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BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares

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Too Good to be True

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers
By BC Pires

It’s probably wise for me to remember the American turkeys who boasted of being on top up to Wednesday of this week but my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, scored 67 points, 12 more than the global average of 55, and is top turkey this week. Yes, against the run of play, as it were, BC FC, which was in cellar position (at number ten) of our family & friends mini-league just a month ago, rose to number one.
I couldn’t have done it without me, but I’m also likely to undo it all by myself just as fast. Probably faster.
The top four teams in the family league have, respectively, 518, 514, 513 and 510 points respectively, so my dazzling success is not as blinding as it looks at first blush. Also, in the smaller, far more knowledgable neighbourhood league — where two of the teams aren’t managed by my wife’s seven- and nine-year-old nephews — BC FC is at number five, below the halfway point, and almost 100 points away from the number one team on 606 points.
Globally, BC FC is yet to break that glass ceiling of the top million. In Barbados, I’ve broken into the top 500 — but that’s really not as good as it sounds, since there were fewer than 1K teams involved last time I checked.
Still, better to be on top, if only fleetingly, than at the bottom, where I’m surely headed, now that there’s nowhere else to go.
For the moment, though, I can dispense lordly advice to all nine teams below me, forgetting that the number three team is managed by a seven-year-old child (who has not changed his team in six weeks and has maintained his number three spot throughout). And that the number four team is my wife’s Most Handsome XI, which is selected, not on the basis of fixtures, form and points-per-million, but only on how good-looking she thinks the players are. She refuses to have Heung-Ming Son (goofy smile) or Bruno Fernandes (permanently inanely hanging jaw) but it works out well in the cases of Dominic Calvert-Lewin, Ben Chilwell and Che Adams. Last week, she transferred in Diego Jota because of his haircut and got nine points out of it.
Last week, I opted not to pay four points to transfer Son out and bring Fernandes in myself, which turned out all right, since Son brought in ten points and Fernandes, 12, and I would not have captained either. No, I captained Timo Werner, whose assist at least got him ten points.
This week, because I won’t pick a fantasy player against my real team, Chelsea, I transferred Son out and brought in the old Bruno; Pires, after all, is a Portuguese name. And I’m sitting Harry Kane, though everyone and his dog points out that Kane ALWAYS scores against Chelsea.
I hope he blanks.
But my commitment to Chelsea is not so great as to require me to pay four points to transfer Kane out and be unable to afford to bring him back for GW11.
We’ll see how it goes and it surely couldn’t go worse for me this week than it did for Diego Maradona. The best player of our time is gone forever. If he didn’t deserve to be remembered everywhere, Hand of God and all, I wouldn’t do him the disservice of mentioning him here. And if someone does put a hand from above and have Fernandes score a hat trick and Son get a red card, BC FC may just stay on top.

My next advice column/column marking the first spiral down performance of BC FC will appear before the GW10 deadline