BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares


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GW36 This Blankety-Blank FPL!


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

WITH AN average score of 83 points per team all around the world, the first triple game-week in Fantasy Premier League worked out very well for very many FPL teams but most of them still didn’t do as well as my team, BC FC, which brought in 147 points, enough to keep its number one spot on our family & friends mini-league and — astonishingly to an FPL manager accustomed to finishing in the cellar position of all his mini-leagues and the bottom 500K of the bottom 7M — even well enough to reach the number one spot in the far more informed neighbourhood mini-league.

Yes, it’s true. BC FC, which was almost 200 points below the top neighbourhood team this season ended triple game-week 35 just three points ahead of the former number one.

Last week, I said that, as someone coming from Trinidad, a place actually named after what the Catholics call “the Holy Trinity”, I kind of expected a triple game-week and was very happy to still have my triple captain chip left (which, naturally, went on Bruno Fernandes).

To be at the top of the neighbourhood league by three points is particularly satisfying. As a god-doubting agnostic, it imperfectly-perfectly completes my own Unholy Trinity.

Even if it doesn’t last the weekend.

It cost BC FC a 12-point deduction to be able to field its team but Jordan Pickford in goal repaid those points by himself. (Rui Patricio, whom he replaced, would have returned zero points.) The bulk of the rest of BC FC’s points came from its two new Man U players, Mason Greenwood and triple captain Bruno.

At the end of GW34, for the first time, in five years of FPL, BC FC was in the top 500K!

At the end of TGW35, its Overall Rank rose from 491,283 to 346,371!

GW rank was an incredible 39,189.

Not too bad, especially for a team accustomed to having an OR of seven figures at the end of GW38; and a similar GW rank for all 38 weeks.

It seems my knucks are een, as we say in Trinidad (meaning, roughly, my mojo is working).

My wife’s team, the Most Handsome XI, which I effectively pick (once I can find players she considers sufficiently good-looking) returned 167 points on a bench boost she/me/we took a 12-point hit to field; luckily, Christian Benteke was held to pass muster; and, crucially, I snuck Bruno Fernandes past her, sight unseen. (She has refused him every time I’ve suggested him because he simply will not close that hanging jaw.)

With two game-weeks left, then the top four teams in the family & friends league have, respectively, 2153 (BC FC), 2122 (Most Handsome X + Bruno F), 2107 and 2002 points.

In the neighbourhood league, the point spreads are now 2158 (BC FC), 2150, 2107 and 2026.

Just three more weeks, inclusive, to keep faking it.

But the first one, blank GW36, has not begun well.

It was only after I’d used my free transfer (Bamford for Ihenacho) that I noticed that neither of my goalkeepers would be playing this week.

There’s more evidence of why BC FC usually finishes in the bottom 500K.

So I took a four-point hit before a ball was kicked.

It really could go every which way but lose completely.

My next advice column/eulogy/apology for BC FC will appear around the GW367 deadline