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TGIF columns are in order by date from the most recent.

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​A Modest Vene Pickney Proposal

WHEN UNPATRIOTIC newspapers like Newsday splash pictures of tiny, rain-soaked children crying in their mothers’ arms across page one, it can only lead to misunderstanding of the government’s decision to send women and children back to Venezuela in open pirogues.

Such emotive images obscure the hard truths with which our own government is so admirably grappling.
First, Trinidad & Tobago is virtually at war, not just with covid-19, but with a possibly terrorist group with the sinister title of “the Organisation of American States”. As Prime Minister Keith Rowley pointed out in a very carefully-worded official statement, “the OAS under its misguided President Almagro has been almost singlehandedly responsible for triggering and fuelling the Venezuelan situation and.. have virtually declared war on Trinidad and Tobago for having the temerity to have not joined Eliot Abrams and President Trump in forcing violent regime change in Venezuela”.
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Too Good to be True


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers
By BC Pires

It’s probably wise for me to remember the American turkeys who boasted of being on top up to Wednesday of this week but my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, scored 67 points, 12 more than the global average of 55, and is top turkey this week. Yes, against the run of play, as it were, BC FC, which was in cellar position (at number ten) of our family & friends mini-league just a month ago, rose to number one.
I couldn’t have done it without me, but I’m also likely to undo it all by myself just as fast. Probably faster.
The top four teams in the family league have, respectively, 518, 514, 513 and 510 points respectively, so my dazzling success is not as blinding as it looks at first blush. Also, in the smaller, far more knowledgable neighbourhood league — where two of the teams aren’t managed by my wife’s seven- and nine-year-old nephews — BC FC is at number five, below the halfway point, and almost 100 points away from the number one team on 606 points.

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​Letters of Discredit

WHENEVER the world gets too ridiculous to take seriously – like when the interloper of the most powerful political office in the world gets a resounding cut-ass but claims he really won the election, if you just don’t count the 80m people who voted AGAINST him – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

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Woke Up, It Was a Chelsea Nightmare Morning? GW9


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

It would be misleading to suggest I was doing better in the Fantasy Premier League but, last game-week, I certainly did less badly. My haul — I use the term hesitantly but, for me, it is — of 68 points was almost ten more than the average of 55 and more than half the highest score of 133; these are rarefied atmospheres, for me.

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​Love to Trump Hate

THE MOST SHOCKING thing about the US presidential election was that 70m people voted for Donald Trump. Everything else was entirely predictable, from Trump throwing another toddler tantrum because Joe Biden did indeed beat him like a drum, to the evil Moscow Mitch coldly calculating the advantages to himself and swiftly abandoning America herself: better to let the man-baby in the Oval Office whine and risk a constitutional crisis than to increase the risk of losing the Georgia senate seats next January.

There was no Blue Wave, indeed, the Democrats lost seats in the House and are hoping for an unlikely tie in the Georgia run-off next year to get to 50 seats and have Vice-President Kamala Harris as tiebreaker. But that was not shocking.
Only Martha McSally collected the cut-ass a whole heap of Senate Republicans like Lindsay the Hypocrite booked for themselves. But that wasn’t shocking. When Trump whined like a wet baby, there was no one in his family or the Republican Congressional party with the testicular fortitude to tell him he had just got the greatest cut-ass in American political history – but that wasn’t shocking.
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