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Freaky BC Friday

WHEN THE WORLD gets ex-specially heavy, as we say, I think I might lighten my load by pulling some kind of Freaky BC Friday and switching places with someone else. Here are this week’s contenders:

Kyle Rittenhouse, just freed of murder charges.

  • Only 18, so another possible 70 years of life, instead of the 20 or 25 I might expect now.
  • Well-founded sense that I could get away with anything now.
  • Hero for the Fox News/That Firetrucker Carlson/Joe Biden President Denier/ Optional brain crowd.
  • Very likely to become very rich without doing anything but getting away with killing two people.
  • Only 18, another possible 70 years of life etc.
  • Would have to look like that for all of it.
  • Hero for the Fox News etc crowd.
  • Would have to rely on a brain that thought AR-15s were cool and crossing state lines to “protect property” was smart.
  • At some stage, would probably take own life upon realisation of what I did.

Travis McMichael, just convicted of murder charges.

  • Could get a part as an extra if some film director remade Deliverance.
  • Would have a Confederate flag I could take from my truck to put on my prison cell wall.
  • Orange prison jumpsuit would go well with complexion.
  • High level of personal satisfaction with so many black men to hate in prison.
  • Would soon be more in touch with my feminine side.
  • Would enter history books for all time as first white American lynch mob leader actually punished.
  • Would go to jail for my convictions, even if those amount to white supremacy/neo-Nazism/ old Confederacy.
  • Would have to look like that.
  • Would be filled with hate.
  • Plus everything listed as advantages above.

Donald J for Jackass Trump.

  • Would be too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.
  • Would not be burdened by even the slightest of principles.
  • Rich (at least for a while longer).
  • Would be genuinely unique as the only person in the world that particular colour.
  • All the Big Macs & supersized fries I could stuff down my gullet every night.
  • Melania.
  • Don Jnr, Eric, Ivanka, Jared.
  • Nicknames of Fat Nixon, Fat Abu Bakr & Fat Lukashenko.
  • Micropenis.
  • Would have to look like that.
  • Fair chance of losing everything I’d ever stolen from poor schmucks who thought I was great, a.k.a., “my base” or “my family” or “my country”.
  • Still completely ignorant of myself after near 80 years of life.
  • Would always be the stupidest man in the room.
  • Very good chance of either virtual cut-arse or real prison or both in 2024.
  • Crap golfer.
  • Morbid obesity.
  • Elephantine ass.
  • Worst combover in history. Everything listed as advantages above (except Melania).
  • Probably no new season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Sacked Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

  • Really cool, in a weird nerdish way, that my Scandinavian good looks clashed so well with my horrible Manchester English accent.
  • Lasted way longer as United manager than anyone expected. Including me. And my whole squad.
  • 21 million quid in the bank after living on expenses for three years at Old Trafford.
  • Reunited with family back in Norway.
  • Can finally stop faking being a top-flight football manager.
  • Lingering TV image of me might be my slapping Slab Head McGuire’s hand in congratulation for getting himself sent off when we were “only” 2-1 down, before we went 4-1 down to Watford!

US Republican Senator Ted Cruz

  • Too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.
  • Moustache.
  • Could visit luxury Cancun resort in severe Texas winter (for two days).
  • Too stupid to understand no one in the world likes me, not even my father or wife.
  • Too cowardly to defend own father, wife or Constitution.
  • Too cowardly to refuse to kiss the ring/arse of the man who ran roughshod over all of the above.

Any West Indies cricketer

  • Would get five days’ pay for two, maximum three days’ work in Test matches, 20-overs pay for maximum five overs’ work in T/20 games.
  • Would only have to field a bit, would hardly have to bowl and wouldn’t have to bat at all.
  • Would travel cricket world.
  • Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.
  • Would have to come back home from cricket world.
  • Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.
  • Have to pretend to practice as often as once a week. In season.
  • Very difficult to come up with a positive statement for the post-match media conference.
  • Would never be Man of the Match. Any match. Against anyone.

That judge in the Rittenhouse trial

  • Too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.
  • King of my own courtroom, no matter how idiotic or openly racist my rulings were.
  • Likely to be reelected after playing so openly to my largely white electorate.
  • Moron.
  • Would have to go to church every Sunday.
  • No discernment, nuance or sense of the occasion.
  • Probably will never have another important trial rostered to me.

English Prime Minister of Vote Leave Boris Johnson

  • Would have a ridiculous haircut, rather than no hair at all.
  • Would have lots of donor money and would only have to give back a tiny portion.
  • Would have no sense of shame.
  • Would have achieved highest office with absolute lowest standards of personal and professional conduct and no principles at all.
  • Would get a lot of exercise flip-flopping on every important decision I made.
  • Would have one everlasting soulmate “Love of My Life”. Me.
  • Would forever be the man who reunited the whole of Ireland.
  • Would forever be the man who led Britain (really England) out of the European Union.
  • Would one day realise that what I thought I was passing off as my shtick of being a floppy-haired, bumbling, incompetent buffoon was my true self.

BC Pires is a schizophrenic with Newsday

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