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The Secret Diary of Donald J Trump, aged 70 ¾

Fake News, Real Mexican Terror

This country is going to hell in a hand-thing, I forget the word, but I know all the bestly words but I just won’t use that one today because I choose not to, not because I don’t memory it. Hand-BASKET, it’s hand-basket, I remembered it because I have the bestly memory-brain. Not fucking Obama! He doesn’t remember anything but he’ll remember for his whole life who he lost the Ovil Orifice to! Hah! Take that, Niger-American! I didn’t even want this job, it’s costing me money, but I’m making it back with golf trips to Mar-A-Lago, but I took it from him, just to show that I could, like grabbing pussy, I grabbed power!

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Me Alone against Niger-Americans

12th January 2018.

Dear Dairy,

I was elected by a minority of Americans and sent by God to sort this shit out. What’s happened to the world when the most powerful man in it can’t call a spade a coon? Cable Fake News always has people on it pretending that I tell a thousand lies a minute but do they cover it when I tell the truth? They want truth to power, they say, but when they get it, oh, all of a sudden, Haiti isn’t a shithole anymore! You don’t even have to go to Haiti to know it’s a shithole, just take a cab in New York City. I never have to take cabs. I take a helicopter across Midtown, I don’t even see Niger-Americans unless they work for me and then they better have my shoes shiny! This is what happens when you let a Kenyan Niger-American steal the presidency! You can’t even say Africa should be wiped out! The world would be a better place without it, we all know that – but can you say it? No migrants clogging up Italian beaches. Oh, Dear Dairy, it’s sometimes so frustratable to be trying to bring sense to this insane DRAIN THE SWAMP DRAIN THE SWAMP LYNCH THE oh, no, wait. Worst of all, another white man, who should defend Mainly Fresh Destiny, which proves there are many fine people who lynched Negroes – it was the time, it was the fashion, what, we’re going to take down statues of Abe Lincoln, too? These ignorant people need to read there history: Mainly Fresh Destiny SAYS we are in charge! I didn’t make it this way! it up with God, but, Dear Dairy, I will do the right thing. I’m going to tell my generals to do a nuclear bomb test, show Little Rocket Man Kim Ping Pong whose is bigger. Only we’ll do the test in the Caribbean Sea. When I said, “Take out the Haitians” I was really thinking, “Take out Haiti”. Only trouble is, when we nuke them, we won’t be able to tell how effective the bomb was: they have no buildings since the ‘quake! Shithole fucking wannabe country!

Me & Me against the World

Dear Dairy, I, Donald “J for Jenius” Trump, have made a New Yare’s Resolution to Make Myself Great Again and the first step to that is this new, like, very formalish approach to dairy-writing. Also, if people are going to buy that loser Wolff-Pack-of-Crap’s stupid book, many people are saying they’re going to line up to buy this dairy when it’s published as my own memorise –

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Book 'Em, Wolff-O!

Melania always yapping about being “conflicted” – big word she learned from her therapist, so much money, so little gain, had better results from the tit job – but I never got it until today. So many people all over the world talking about me - but what are they saying? Why repeat anything said by Steve Ban-on-Sense? He chose loser Judge Roy Bean-Head! Many people have stopped saying, “the greatest thing since sliced bread” and are now saying, “the greatest thing since Donald Trump”. I made up that expression, “the greatest thing since sliced bread”, so it’s still me, even if

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Bigly Hands, Bigly Buttons

Year hardly started and already it’s filled with end-to-end rear ends. Very good joke. Got to Tweet that, get my 46 billion followers to retweet it, my joke will be best joke in the world it already is the best joke ever told, many people are already saying that.I’m the bestly for jokes and the bestly for business, stock exchange going through the roof only because of me not because of Obama, he did nothing

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