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BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares

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Game-Week 19: Double or Quits

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

16 January 2021 — Double or Quits

Even for a man like me, who values irony the way a sadist cherishes the whip on his back (it’s what I live for) the irony would have been too great to have headlined game-week 18’s Fantasy Nightmare, “Blank Game Week Too Literally Named” — and then to have drawn a total blank! My Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, managed 32 points (16 of them from my captain, Harry Kane) and held on to its number three spot in our ten-club family & friends mini league.

Only a couple of teams did better and both used their free hit chips.

So, for the moment, I’m feeling like a proper pound shop Pep Guardiola; or perhaps Sam Allardyce.


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Game-Week 18: Blank Game-Week Too Literally Named

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

The long-dreaded blank game-week 18 is upon us and my preparations, if that is not too bold a word, seem to have paid as many dividends as my Topshop shares. With what we must call my judicious use of my transfers, because we don’t want to shatter my confidence to smithereens in the first paragraph, over the last five game-weeks, I’d carefully charted the course towards my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, fielding almost a full GW18 XI, an X, in fact — but, of course, three of those players came from Villa, whose GW18 match was cancelled at the very last moment, like a Trumpian impulse to decency.

And two, or I suppose I should say, II, of my remaining VIII were Daniel Podence and Dominic Calvert-Lewin, both now more or less indefinitely out of the game entirely; would that we could say the same of Donald “J for Jihadi” Trump.

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Game Week 17 Hard Brexit for BC FC

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Game-Week 17

1 January 2021

Britain narrowly avoided a hard Brexit from the European Union on New Year’s Day but BC FC, my Fantasy Premier League football team, crashed right out of the top tier of my family & friends mini-league.

Without Mo Salah in my team over the last month or so, it was inexorable, but I really felt Salah went too far two game-weeks ago in scoring almost all of Liverpool’s fantasy points by himself. With my brother-in-law having him as permanent captain of his Toss the Salah, his rise to the top was equally inevitable.

So, despite selling its soul and Timo Werner to bring in Mo Salah, BC FC is now at position five, with a return to the tenth and cellar spot, which it occupied for the first month of this season, seeming far more likely than any rise at all; the only speculation will be whether my collapse will be gradual, like the NHS under the strains of covid-19 and the far more dangerous strain of the Vote Leave Government, or swift and at the eleventh hour, like Boris Johnson’s capitulation to the EU at Christmas.

Given the swift turnaround of the festive game-weeks in real life, it was all I (and the other bottom seven million FPL managers) could do to simply stay in place.

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Game-Weeks 15/16 Captain Salah-vation Fake News

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Game-Weeks 15/16

27 December 2020

The most important decision any Fantasy Premier League manager makes every week is the captaincy. The manager on top of our neighbourhood mini-league has 938 points, 121 more than my team, BC FC; he’s just fallen out of the top ten in Barbados and I’ve just risen to #631! And, last week, he got half the point difference between us, fully 60 smackeroos, from just three players: Jack Grealish (10); Bruno Fernandes (17); and he captained Mo Salah for 32 points.

All 11 of BC FC’s players managed 64.

And, last week, in our family & friends mini-league, my brother-in-law knocked BC FC out of third spot. A busy man, even under lockdown, because he has three sons and an executive job, my brother-in-law decided, in game-week one, to save himself time by never changing his captain. His rise from number seven the week before to number three last week, then, is unsurprising when you hear he named his team Toss the Salah.

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Game-Week 14L Too Much Football, Maths

FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

For football lovers, Christmas is a dream: three weeks of games crammed into two, with goals galore. For the fantasy football manager, though, it’s more like having Ramadan and Lent in the same month; for fantasy managers who generally stumble around the outskirts of mediocrity, like me, the period between now and New Years Day won’t be so much wine & roses as sackcloth & ashes. You’ve got barely enough time to recover from one week’s dreadful decisions before you’re forced to make some more.

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