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BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares

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Game-Weeks 15/16 Captain Salah-vation Fake News

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Game-Weeks 15/16

27 December 2020

The most important decision any Fantasy Premier League manager makes every week is the captaincy. The manager on top of our neighbourhood mini-league has 938 points, 121 more than my team, BC FC; he’s just fallen out of the top ten in Barbados and I’ve just risen to #631! And, last week, he got half the point difference between us, fully 60 smackeroos, from just three players: Jack Grealish (10); Bruno Fernandes (17); and he captained Mo Salah for 32 points.

All 11 of BC FC’s players managed 64.

And, last week, in our family & friends mini-league, my brother-in-law knocked BC FC out of third spot. A busy man, even under lockdown, because he has three sons and an executive job, my brother-in-law decided, in game-week one, to save himself time by never changing his captain. His rise from number seven the week before to number three last week, then, is unsurprising when you hear he named his team Toss the Salah.

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Game-Week 14L Too Much Football, Maths

FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

For football lovers, Christmas is a dream: three weeks of games crammed into two, with goals galore. For the fantasy football manager, though, it’s more like having Ramadan and Lent in the same month; for fantasy managers who generally stumble around the outskirts of mediocrity, like me, the period between now and New Years Day won’t be so much wine & roses as sackcloth & ashes. You’ve got barely enough time to recover from one week’s dreadful decisions before you’re forced to make some more.

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GW13 - Time is NOT on My Side

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Though my players managed to score only two points more than the global average of 51 in game-week 12, my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, held on to its number three spot in our family & friends mini-league.

It’s small beer when my real team, Chelsea, lost, but in these days, we take small sips.

And, with three game-weeks crammed into a fortnight, we have to take them fast.

But I can still take a moment to take some pride in acknowledging that the team in number four, my brother-in-law’s Toss the Salah, is at least picking a team week-by-week, unlike his eight-year-old son, who has slipped from position four to # five with the same players he’s had since game-week three or four, I think.

You can work really hard to figure out a strategy, like me, or you can forget about your team entirely and, going into game-week 13, be separated from an eight-year-old by one half-decent performance from KDB.

But at least I’m not asking for extensions of time, like Boris Johnson; and at least sinking back to BC FC’s natural cellar position of number ten will be less painful than Brexit.

There’s also solace in seeing my wife’s Most Handsome XI lose the top spot. Her decision to replace Kyle Walker, he of the too-carefully-groomed beard, with Jannik Vestergaard, he of the jawline that launched a thousand hips, paid off, but not highly enough.


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Not Looking Good, Except for the Good-Looking

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

If it was too good to be true that my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, was at the top of our family & friends mini-league last week, it was also too good to last. And, with only eight points between the top position and the team in fifth place, there was a good chance of being toppled.

Now I didn’t expect to get to the top. My “success” was really a reflection of the failure of everyone else, as is so often the case in modern British Brexit politics. What my getting to number one really meant was that the other managers made even poorer choices than I did.

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