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BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares

Intro….

Kick Off

GW32 Double Shame-Week

The period between last Friday morning and this one was disastrous for the Eastern Caribbean, with St Vincent’s La Soufriere volcano spouting ash plumes high into the air and unusual westerly winds brining a lot of that ash to Barbados. For the last seven days, I’ve spent all morning sweeping ash up, wearing two N95 masks and eye protection against the sulphurous air. I’ve got blisters from sweeping.

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GW31 REAL Wild Card

BC FC, my Fantasy Premier League team, did well enough in game-week 30 to keep both the top spot in our family & friends mini-league and third place in the far more informed neighbourhood one. Captaining Harry Kane, like nearly everyone else in FPL Land, accounted for 26 of BC FC’s 64 points.

But I actually tried not to.

My first thought when I woke up on Saturday morning was, “Everybody is captaining Kane. I will captain Dominic Calvert-Lewin! MASSIVE green arrow!” Luckily, when I attempted to change the armband, and only because Barbados is now five hours behind England, the game was already resetting itself and I couldn’t.

So BC FC got 24 points more than my footballing nous (spelled, in my case, “noose”, as in, “around my neck”) would have allowed.

And BC FC managed this despite having two Villa defenders, a non-starting City player and Christian Bale, the player who reminds you almost every week that there are many better ways of tying up 9.3M FPL quid.

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GW30 Captain Uncourageous

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

After my covid-19 jab shortly before the game-week 29 deadline (Astra Zeneca, thank you, India) I got as sick as a dog; and not one of those Hollywood star ruling sector pocket dogs, either, but one of those starving, near-death stray dogs you see in the background in dancehall videos filmed in Kingston.

On the upside, I could be sure I got the real vaccine and not a placebo.

Also, though my real vaccine ruined my weekend, it saved my Fantasy Premier League GW29 day because I was too sick to plough on with my notion of saving my free hit chip and fielding a four-a-side team of Matt Targett, Ezri Konsa, Christian Bale & Ollie Watkins, who brought in, respectively, point hauls of 0,1,0 & 2.

Unable to do the mental arithmetic to work out how many four-point hits I’d have to take to get up to nine players who might pay back the investment, I played my free hit chip.

And my one-week-only side brought in 73 points, in a week when the average was 25 and the highest only 104. Of my Free Hit XI, only Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Stuart Dallas and Ollie Watkins scored only two points and my bench had a grand total of two points between them.

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GW28 Snakes & Salah-adders

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

My Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, continues the downward slip that may lead it right back to what has been, for most FPL seasons, it’s natural place at the bottom of its mini-leagues. I’m unlikely to actually sink to cellar position because the bottom team has almost 400 points fewer (396).

Someone who passed O’Level maths in the usual one attempt, and not the four spread over three years it took me, could probably declare it a certainty but, with nine clear weeks left in the competition — I just counted on my fingers to be sure — I could not state with any certainty (nor even great doubt) that it was a mathematical impossibility; but at least my chances of ending up at No 10 are better than Sir Keir Starmer’s.

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GW27 Mount an Attack

All good things must come to an end, especially the ones that started off as extremely unlikely, and my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, has been edged out of the top spot in our ten-team family & friends mini-league; the good news is that I was at least pipped by another team that played its bench boost, and it wasn’t my brother-in-law, who himself slipped to fourth.

BC FC scored 83 points with the bench boost, but I took a 12-point hit to achieve a full 15-member squad with two games. My bench provided 24 points so I suppose I’m 12 to the good — but if I’d made no change at all and picked my best XI, I’d have had 69 points from my players and the original dozen back.

Looked at that way, I made two points off my bench boost.

I begin to understand why I’m in normally at the other end of any FPL league or mini-league; if there were prizes given for being in the bottom 50K, I’d be a serious contender for world recognition.

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