BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares
Go Big or Go Back to the Bottom of Your Mini-League GW8
A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up
An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers
By BC PiresWith 41 points in game-week seven, 12 points fewer than the average, BC FC, my Fantasy Premier League team, managed to hold its number four spot in my family & friends league, though it did drop one notch to six (out of eight) in the smaller, more informed neighbourhood league.
Still, I’m doing better than my hip hop-loving son, whose Steez FC seems to have inherited the number ten or cellar position from me in the family league. I can also lord it over my wife (clearly only in a manner of speaking), whose Most Handsome XI — yes, precisely that is the basis of selection — is at number seven.
In any 50-50 fantasy football situation, I can be relied upon to plump for the wrong one, nine times out of ten.
Last week, with my squad goalkeepers and two defenders playing one another in Aston Villa v Southampton, I played Emiliano Martinez and Ezri Konsa Ngoyo and rested Alex McCarthy and Kyle Walker-Peters. McCarthy and KWP returned a grand total of four points, but they till outscored Martinez and Konsa (0 points and 0 points, respectively).
But I’m accustomed to it and take such pleasures as there are in my agonising over the choices, rather than in the results they bring; or fail to.
My agonising last week was all for nought, literally, so I’m looking forward to more of the same this week.
This week, though, there’s an added bit of agonising, a kind of pre-agonising, over my transfer plans. With Kai Havertz now out for weeks and Roman Saiss looking like he won’t get into the Wolves team for perhaps longer, but with only one free transfer, my pre-agonising is over whether I should pay four points to transfer both out.
The single great advantage of paying four points is that it saves a further pre-agonising over which one I should choose not to transfer; Havertz definitely won’t play but, if I transfer Saiss out and he plays, he’s bound to score.
On the up side, such as it is, there’s not as much agonising as usual about their replacements. I’ve persuaded myself that Chelsea have favourable fixtures ahead (and I’ve looked at both the next one and the two or three after that) but, with a Chelsea defender already — the wrong one, of course, not Zouma, not Chilwell, but Reece James — I’d replace the old Roman with the in-form Aaron Cresswell (whose fixtures — I’ve actually looked at the next few — seem good). And I would make a straight Chelsea midfield swop for Hakim Ziyech; I tell myself he is in good form, and I don’t know better than to persuade myself out of it.
My initial plan this week, then, was to go big or go back to the bottom.
Without a parachute.
I’d take the four point hit and transfer out both.
Or perhaps do no transfer at all. I could play Saiss (and Konsa will sub him, if needs be) and play a midfield four liked by the fantasy sites of Zaha, Foden, Son & Podence, and my forward line of Werner, DCL & Kane.
That, at least, saves the agonising, right now.
Or, rather, postpones it until the games start.
When Saiss will sit on the bench, Ziyech will score and assist, Foden won’t play at all and Son will get a red card.
Then, next week, I’ll bring in both Cresswell and Ziyech, too late; but it won’t cost me four points because I’d have rolled over my free transfer from this week.
Watch the cogs turning.
All right, then, scrap everything. Saiss goes out and Cresswell comes in.
Damn the torpedoes.
Who knows how this fucking fantasy voodoo works? Maybe my bad FPL luck across the football fields of England will run good for Joe Biden in Arizona, Pennsylvania and Georgia.
My next advice column/sputtering excuses about BC FC will appear before the GW9 deadline.