BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares


Kick Off

GW13 - Time is NOT on My Side


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Though my players managed to score only two points more than the global average of 51 in game-week 12, my Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, held on to its number three spot in our family & friends mini-league.

It’s small beer when my real team, Chelsea, lost, but in these days, we take small sips.

And, with three game-weeks crammed into a fortnight, we have to take them fast.

But I can still take a moment to take some pride in acknowledging that the team in number four, my brother-in-law’s Toss the Salah, is at least picking a team week-by-week, unlike his eight-year-old son, who has slipped from position four to # five with the same players he’s had since game-week three or four, I think.

You can work really hard to figure out a strategy, like me, or you can forget about your team entirely and, going into game-week 13, be separated from an eight-year-old by one half-decent performance from KDB.

But at least I’m not asking for extensions of time, like Boris Johnson; and at least sinking back to BC FC’s natural cellar position of number ten will be less painful than Brexit.

There’s also solace in seeing my wife’s Most Handsome XI lose the top spot. Her decision to replace Kyle Walker, he of the too-carefully-groomed beard, with Jannik Vestergaard, he of the jawline that launched a thousand hips, paid off, but not highly enough.

In the end, as all truly gifted professionals, and I, know, the battle is really with oneself, to be the best one can be; or, in my case, the least bad.

To that end, after my ritualistic agonising over whether or not to pay four points (which would instantly cost me third place) to transfer out two players, so I could bring in KDB, to try to see off the eight-year-old, I decided to play it safe again, this week.
Especially since playing it safe in captaining Harry Kane instead of Timo Werner worked last week.

I used my free transfer to replace the non-starting Phil Foden with the sparkling Jarrod Bowen; it’s clearly the right move, strategically, but Pep roulette and other forms of luck may yet work against BC FC.

The captain decision was made easy by the other contenders having far more difficult games — DCL v Leicester, Kane v Liverpool, Werner v Wolves, Jack Grealish v Burnley — than Bruno Fernandes v poor, hapless Sheffield.

There was an even stronger argument against captaining Timo Werner: my own most basic FPL rule is, if there’s another contender at all, you should NEVER captain a player in the first game of the week; because then your disappointment sets in from the start. With Man U v Sheffield the last match of game-week 13, my hopes won’t be dashed until the final whistle of the final game.

You’ve got to take your satisfactions in the small sips in which they come nowadays.

Ask Joe Biden.

And the good thing about the ridiculously fast turnaround times between Christmas game-weeks is, you haven’t got any time to mope about how badly you did in this game-week because the next one is upon you already and you have to quickly prepare to do badly in that one.

Ask Boris Johnson.

My next advice column/eulogy for BC FC will appear around the GW14 deadline