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Game-Weeks 15/16 Captain Salah-vation Fake News

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Game-Weeks 15/16

27 December 2020

The most important decision any Fantasy Premier League manager makes every week is the captaincy. The manager on top of our neighbourhood mini-league has 938 points, 121 more than my team, BC FC; he’s just fallen out of the top ten in Barbados and I’ve just risen to #631! And, last week, he got half the point difference between us, fully 60 smackeroos, from just three players: Jack Grealish (10); Bruno Fernandes (17); and he captained Mo Salah for 32 points.

All 11 of BC FC’s players managed 64.

And, last week, in our family & friends mini-league, my brother-in-law knocked BC FC out of third spot. A busy man, even under lockdown, because he has three sons and an executive job, my brother-in-law decided, in game-week one, to save himself time by never changing his captain. His rise from number seven the week before to number three last week, then, is unsurprising when you hear he named his team Toss the Salah.

To rub salt in my wounds, his eight-year-old son knocked me from fourth to fifth place at the final point-count at the end of game-week 14, even though he hasn’t picked a team for weeks, because he’s usually too caught up with arithmetic homework to bother with transfers and stats and such.

The week before, I rolled a transfer over, so that, for game-week 15, I would be able to transfer out Wilfried Zaha and Timo Werner and bring in Salah and the only half-decent forward I could afford with the funds left over, Rhian Brewster.

Of course, because I, and the other bottom 7m FPL managers made it, the investment in the Liverpool star did not pay off.

Mo Salah, the most captained man in FPL history this game-week returned four points; with his score doubled.

Captain Salah-vation, my posterior.

My mood going into game-week 16 is made worse by Chelsea, my real team, on Boxing Day sending in 11 holograms of their players to capitulate to Arsenal, my father-in-law’s real team. (It’s a little comfort, though not much, that he, too, transferred in and captained Salah; it seemed to be what you had to do, just to make sure of your place in the bottom seven million.)

Anyway, as the last match of game-week 15 is being played, the deadline for game-week 16 arrives, and now I’m called upon to make the wrong decision under pressure; I do so prefer to take my time before I get it wrong.

With double game week and blank game week approaching then, I’m opting to roll over my transfer again. The theory is that, by next weekend, the position of the Premier League table, if not my head, should be a bit clearer.

Again, because I never pick my fantasy players if they’re playing Chelsea, I’m likely to leave points I need on my bench with Jack Grealish & Ezri Konsa Ngoyo; but, hopefully, not Emiliano Martinez; in any event I’m hardly likely to do worse with my captain; unless Mo Salah misses a penalty.

Once again, the only comfort on the horizon is that I’m making better decisions than Boris Johnson; and mine have consequences only for my pride and mood, not the national good of my entire population. No matter how badly I do at FPL, I know Boris Johnson will do worse for the UK. No matter where I am in my mini-leagues, I know I’ll be waking up with more to celebrate than Britain on New Year’s Day; unless, of course, the FPL announces, an hour before deadline, that I am required to fill out two dozen forms in triplicate and make customs declarations before transferring out Dominic Calvert-Lewin.

My next advice column/eulogy for BC FC will appear around the GW17 deadline