BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares


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Game Week 17 Hard Brexit for BC FC


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

Game-Week 17

1 January 2021

Britain narrowly avoided a hard Brexit from the European Union on New Year’s Day but BC FC, my Fantasy Premier League football team, crashed right out of the top tier of my family & friends mini-league.

Without Mo Salah in my team over the last month or so, it was inexorable, but I really felt Salah went too far two game-weeks ago in scoring almost all of Liverpool’s fantasy points by himself. With my brother-in-law having him as permanent captain of his Toss the Salah, his rise to the top was equally inevitable.

So, despite selling its soul and Timo Werner to bring in Mo Salah, BC FC is now at position five, with a return to the tenth and cellar spot, which it occupied for the first month of this season, seeming far more likely than any rise at all; the only speculation will be whether my collapse will be gradual, like the NHS under the strains of covid-19 and the far more dangerous strain of the Vote Leave Government, or swift and at the eleventh hour, like Boris Johnson’s capitulation to the EU at Christmas.

Given the swift turnaround of the festive game-weeks in real life, it was all I (and the other bottom seven million FPL managers) could do to simply stay in place.

The tension brought on by the worry over how obvious my incompetence must be to everyone — I’m getting more and more like the British PM day-by-day, or at least game-week-by-game-week — and, with blank game-week 18 arriving fast, and double game-week 19 hot on its heels, I erred on the side of making as few bad decisions as possible in this GW17. With two free transfers in hand, then, I opted to roll one over to GW19 — forgetting that thing about numbers in sequence and, ergo, forgetting that GW18 had to be played first.

So now I will have two Wolves players in my side, for blank game-week 18 — but it won’t bring the benefit I had in mind for GW19, that of bringing in two other players with two games, because I’m going to have to use my Free Hit chip then! If I’d any sense at all, I’d have used both transfers to get as close as I could to full squad for GW18, in as much as I am, apparently accidentally, committed to that strategy.

The similarities with the British PM continue to abound.

In any event, I transferred out the injured Reece James and brought in Roman Saiss, who’s been in great form; watch him return to the bench.

But what can one hand really do against such overwhelming forces and circumstances?

As Boris Johnson must be saying to the services and fishing industries of Britain.

With my captain Salah-vation tactic failing so spectacularly over the last two game-weeks, in which he returned a petty total of ten points, I captained Bruno Fernandes this week; if Mo Salah doesn’t ignite, I may not regret it too much.

Once again, that BoJo the Clown similarity.

Anyway, at least there will be breathing room before the next time I’m called upon to get it wrong.

It may be necessary to rename BC FC as BoJo FC.

My next advice column/eulogy for BC FC will appear around the GW18 deadline