BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares


Kick Off

Game-Week 20: Biden, My Time


An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

My Fantasy Premier League team, BC FC, which I expected to crash and burn last game-week actually soared and lit up, like American democracy. Instead of slipping from the number three spot in our family & friends mini-league, BC FC climbed to the top; it’s hard not to think that BC FC didn’t come out of its own mini-insurrection a lot better than the USA.

My players ended the double game-week with 120 points, 75 below the highest global score of 195, but almost 50 points higher than the global average of 74. It was BC FC’s highest score of the season and only the second time it got into three figures since GW4’s 115. And, as pleasing as it is unusual, I left only four points on my four-member bench.

BC FC also rose to position four on the far more well-informed eight-team neighbourhood league; the team at the top of that mini-league has only just slipped out of the top ten in the Barbados national FPL. BC FC now sits at #409 in Barbados and in the top 50K in the Chelsea league — doing better than Chelsea itself, then, and me, better than Frank Lampard, I’m crushed to say; nothing reminds you more that FPL is all pretend than the reality of your favourite club losing and your manager getting sacked.

Most amazingly to me, BC FC broke into the top million in the world, #900,527, to be precise, a result that threatens the very raison d’être of this column.

And I’ve only just noticed that BC FC qualified for the FPL Cup, whatever that is, and won one of its two games.

It was as good a week for BC FC, then, as it was for Joe Biden.

But I see Trump slumps ahead.

With one free transfer and Kyle Walker-Peters injured, my ambitious/crackpot scheme for this week of transferring out Mo Salah and transferring in Raheem Sterling had to be put on hold. Last week, I had the impulse to captain Mikhail Antonio, my GW19 transfer-in, but was too timid, and stuck with Salah; and got eight points out of it, instead of 36. If I had two transfers this week, I would have sold Salah and brought in Sterling, who is all but rotation-proof, with KDB injured; but I’ve learned the hard way that it rarely makes sense to pay four points to transfer an extra player; especially when the one you’re transferring out is Mo Salah; and it makes even less sense to tempt FPL Providence, which is perfectly capable of serving up a Mo Salah hat trick comprising two penalties and a Sterling penalty sailing skyward over the bar.

So I sold the injured Walker-P and brought in Ben Chilwell.

Timidity rules.

Harry Kane v Liverpool and Mo Salah v Spurs cancelled one another out and brought my captain decision down to Bruno Fernandes v Sheffield or Mikhail Antonio v Crystal Palace.

And even my poor maths found it easy to calculate that a rampant Bruno ought to have the edge against the worst performing team in the table than a recovering Mikhail against one the league’s most mercurial teams.

Who knows? Maybe BC FC can even hold on to the number one spot for a bit.

But it’s more likely to step on the last snake on the game board.

My next advice column/eulogy/apology for BC FC will appear around the GW21 deadline