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BC’s Fantasy Football Nightmares

Intro….

Kick Off

GW38 ...38 Game-Weeks Later

ALL GOOD things must come to an end and the English Premiership goes out with a likely massive bang today. Amazingly, the only positions firmly settled on the final day in the real Premiership are those of champions and first runner-up, both held solidly by Manchester.

The Fantasy Premier League has had just as exciting an end, at least for my team, BC FC, which has spent most of its five seasons in the competition jockeying, not to be at the top of its mini-leagues and of the FPL itself, but to avoid being at the very bottom. For most of its existence, BC FC has occupied, all season long, the cellar position in the two leagues into which it was conscripted to make up numbers.

And to persuade all the other managers to enter, certain in the knowledge that, as long as BC FC was in, they would never be the worst team in that particular mini-league.

Since Christmas, BC FC has been in the top four of the ten-team family & friends mini-league, and has been at number one for all but, I think, one game-week. In the far more informed eight-team neighbourhood league, BC FC had more or less abandoned any hope of closing the near 200-point gap between itself and the top team.

Well, for the last few game-weeks, BC FC has been at number one there, too. GW34 ended with BC FC just three points ahead of the new number two team. In GW35, the gap widened to, I think, 17 points. Going into today’s final game-week, BC FC is 55 points ahead at number one in the neighbourhood league.

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GW36 This Blankety-Blank FPL!

A FANTASY FOOTBALL NIGHTMARE — But You Never Wake Up

An advice column for the bottom seven million Fantasy Premier League managers

By BC Pires

WITH AN average score of 83 points per team all around the world, the first triple game-week in Fantasy Premier League worked out very well for very many FPL teams but most of them still didn’t do as well as my team, BC FC, which brought in 147 points, enough to keep its number one spot on our family & friends mini-league and — astonishingly to an FPL manager accustomed to finishing in the cellar position of all his mini-leagues and the bottom 500K of the bottom 7M — even well enough to reach the number one spot in the far more informed neighbourhood mini-league.

Yes, it’s true. BC FC, which was almost 200 points below the top neighbourhood team this season ended triple game-week 35 just three points ahead of the former number one.


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GW35 ​ Three Times a Bruno Three Times

THE FANTASY Premier League world has been reeling with delight, anticipation and sheer novelty since the announcement that last week’s cancelled Liverpool v Man Utd game would be played this week, thereby creating the first triple game-week in FPL history.

But a tosser from Trinidad like me half-expected it. I come from a place that was itself named after what the Catholics call “the Holy Trinity” and know it in my DNA that good things come in threes. (And ignore, for the moment, that the proposition also applies to bad things.)

Yeah, I’ve still got it my triple captain chip. (And ignore, for the moment, that I only have it because I forgot to click on “Save Your Team” in GW32.)

So, yeah, I’m in a good mood.

At least until the United games start and I find my triple-captain Bruno Fernandes gets rested for two of them.

Especially after I’ve taken a12-point hit to get him.

Before the triple was announced, I used my free transfer to replace Rui Patricio, who managed two points last week, with Jordan Pickford, who has been saving like a miser (and who has two games this week, a game against SHEFFIELD in blank game-week 36 and and another green fixture in GW37).

After the triple announcement, to get Bruno in, I had to sell two players. The old Azpi left my backline (bringing in the young and crucially, cheap, Phillips) and the single-game Son accommodated the triple-game Bruno.


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GW34: For Kane Again

The Trinidadian singer turned Cabinet Minister, Gypsy, early in his career, had a huge hit with his song, “For Cane”, a calypso of the double-entendre variety. The luckless star of the tune was a man whose wife had the habit of disappearing on sugarcane-hunting expeditions with men he didn’t know. “Monday,” the chorus went, “she went for-cane/ Tuesday she went back again/ She must be gone for-cane with some man again”.

Last week, when he didn’t have a game, I rolled the die on transferring out Harry Kane and bringing in Jamie Vardy. It made sense, I told myself (and didn’t know better than to listen to myself, even after all these years and game-weeks) because the old Harry was injured and might even miss the EFL Cup game on the weekend. If he was fit for the final, I reckoned, I’d bring him back in a straight transfer.

The plan was good, the thinking behind it was good, but it was backed up by arithmetic, which is like having a water-tank backed up with a hole in its bottom. When it came to bringing Kane back in this week, I found I had to take a four-point hit to be able to afford him.

Last week, I went for Kane.

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GW33: Getting Run Over in the Run-In

The race between my natural Fantasy Premier League manager incompetence and my natural bad luck accelerated to breakneck pace this week, with what is normally the disastrous usual result for my FPL team, BC FC. My run-in is beginning to look a lot more like a stumble-in.

Thinking I was being clever — i.e., the incompetence; really, I should know better after nearly 63 years — and even thinking I might, um, “get ahead of the game”, I used my one free transfer early to replace the game-less KDB with “got game in the American sense” Mo Salah (the bad luck). Had I waited until Friday morning, I’d have discovered that one of my three defenders with a match in game-week 33, Nathaniel Phillips, is now out until May.

In the emergency thus created — it’s fitting that the language of pleadings in old running down actions in the High Court from my barrister days should resurface just now — but, in the emergency thus created by having only two defenders, I had to either take a four point-hit and bring in a defender worth less than 4.3M or take an eight point-hit and get a defender who might actually return more than the four points he cost AND another player from somewhere.

I brought in Timothy Castagne.


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