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​In a Tight Corona

THE CORONA/COVID-19 virus, the most serious modern threat to world health and the global economy, smashes into us just when the biggest jokers in history are holding the highest political offices in the USA, UK, India and Australia. These Four Horsemen of the Viral Apocalyspe will turn what might have remained an epidemic into a certain pandemic.

Now no one expected the ignorant White House squatter who actually called the Corona virus a hoax, to take any action that wasn’t going to be calamitous, but he trumped himself in imbecility when he appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the fight against the virus. Four times that idiot Pence has put his religious beliefs ahead of the unquestioned science: 1. He initially refused a needle exchange to limit the spread of HIV; 2. In 2000 — only 20 years ago — he denied that smoking cigarettes killed people (even then a standard warning on cigarette packs in Europe); 3. In 2002, he told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that the condoms scientists considered highly effective against STDs were actually “very poor” protection; and, 4. Last year — last year — he refused to acknowledge to CNN’s Jake Tapper that “human-induced climate change” was a threat.
He’s jus the man you want to lead the Western world’s fight against a deadly, rapidly mutating and spreading virus; he will pray on the matter even as the virus preys on people.
Bozo the Clown pretending to be the British prime minister, at the official government Corona virus media briefing on Tuesday, actually boasted of determinedly shaking the hands of people with the virus! It would be hilarious if the consequences of such staggering stupidity weren’t so tragic. In India, the man turning hatred into votes would probably approve of the Corona virus if he thought it could be limited to Muslim neighbourhoods. And the Australian PM, who just barely survived a Hellish burning of his country, emerged still denying climate change science.
How, you wonder, are our leaders responding right here at home?
Well, wonder no longer: I have a transcript of yesterday’s Cabinet meeting, which I can certify is 100 per cent authentic because I made it up myself.
Extract of Cabinet meeting transcript:
Health Minister Terrence “Is Me, Not Farrell” Deyalsyingh: Prime Minister, this Corona virus…
Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley [interrupting]: Don’t bring me into that kangatang! I could only catch the Heineken virus! Me ent drinking that Mexican crap.
A-G Faris Al-Strongy: Prime Minister, my plan to combat the virus is to isolate everybody who cough in a special building, which I could rent the state at a discounted price of $250,000 a week, $300,000 if you want extras like keys for the doors and handles on the windows. No problem how wide it spread, my family have plenty buildings to rent.
Finance Minister Colm Imbert: I restrict the availability of foreign exchange for four years now and them businessmen ent riot yet! But no virus could spread if nobody doing any business anywhere in Trinidad!
National Security Minister Stuart Young: PM, my plan is to take out a picture in all-black with Double Gee: them virus will run like all them bandit run! Virus ‘fraid bad short man just like gangster!
Works & Transport Minister Rohan Sinanan: Prime Minister, I think I deserve a national award for limiting the virus spread. By my one, I have isolate all of Tobago for the last four years, don’t study two measly weeks! Not one firetruck of a virus coming out of Tobago! And no sweet drink going in neither.
Energy Minister Franklin Khan: Forget he, Prime Minister! I deserves the award! I close down the Petrotrin refinery and nobody cyar get gas to drive nowhere! Too besides, I does isolate the whole country twice a day, five-to-a-car, 12 in small maxi, 24 in big one, in traffic every day of life!
Tourism Minister Randall Mitchell: That award is mines! Not even Nikki Minaj coming back to Trinidad, after she husband get so much of licks! No virus could spread if nobody ent dey! Carnival is the greatest show on Earth, if is bottom & breasts you want to show.
Legal Affairs Minister Fitzgerald Hinds: Prime Minister, my plan is to wax lyrical and poetic ad infinitum, thereby stunning the virus into a dead halt — no, a “living” halt — so utterly transfixing will its admiration of my eloquence and syntax render it. Also, I suggest we rename it a “vire-them”, not a virus, so it will plague them, not us, you see?
Assistant Finance Minister Allyson West: Prime Minister, my proposal is to rename the virus CoVAT-19, and to charge anyone who gets it 20 per cent of everything they spend on alcohol.
Finance Minister: Catch your falling self! Anything to do with money is mines! What you would get 20 per cent of? Snat?
Education Minister Anthony Garcia: Prime Minister, we should implement the Mike Pence Plan: no medicine at all, but plenty-plenty-plenty prayer.
Community Development Minister Dr Nyan Gadsby-Dolly: Prime Minister, my plan is twice as good because I have a double-barrel surname: I am the Great Gadsby-Dolly! Play with me!
Labour Minister Jennifer Baptiste-Primus: I more better! My second barrel name will Primus that virus mother ass-us!
Social Development Minister Cherrie-Anne Crichlow-Cockburn: I have a double-barrel first name and last name! My plan is to hide the virus like how I’s hide so well, nobody don’t even know I in the Cabinet.
Chorus of the 13 — yes, 13 — other Cabinet members: No! That is MY plan!
PM: Firetruck all of all-you! Who take my bene balls? I had a bag of firetrucking bene balls right here!

BC Pires is a fly on the wall of a weekly catastrophe

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