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​Letters of Discredit

WHENEVER the world gets too ridiculous to take seriously – like when the interloper of the most powerful political office in the world gets a resounding cut-ass but claims he really won the election, if you just don’t count the 80m people who voted AGAINST him – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.


Sir
Everybody bawling whole year for me to open up Trinidad & Tobago again but, me ent dotish, I open TOBAGO! Now all-a-them hot-foot Trini will go Tobago! And Tobago will bounce back. And I could fix thing for my retirement. Also, me ent lifting a single covid-19 restriction! Nobody cyar social-distance march round Parliament and chant anti-PNM slogan good if they wearing masks! I might be bald-head but I not blockhead.
Prime Minister Keith Rowley
Doing Everything by Remote
Except Control

Sir
Everybody who watch the CCTV veed-yo or read the “We Come for the Roti Money” story in the papers only axing, well, how come them three bandit, one had gun, next one bolt-cutter, next one, cut-lash, but that one fella dey was only talking on he cellphone during the whole home invasion? Well, that was me-self in the veed-yo and I telling you I had was to stay on the phone becaw it was a very important call! After we put down that wuk, if nobody didn’t shoot we, we was going and celebrate. So I was ordering the KFC to pick up in the drive-through.
The Executive Bandit
Gangster CEO HQ
But Coming Soon to a Home Invasion Near You
Sir
I won the election because Joe Biden only got 80m illegal votes because I signed an Executive Order making it a crime for anyone to vote for anyone but me and because no certification of results and the House votes or something, Jared explained it but I don’t understand, but all I have to do is watch TV, eat cheeseburgers and blank the Dem-mock-Rats for two months. I can do that! And then I’ll be just like President Xi, my hero. Except orange, not yellow.
Donald J Trump
Nah-Nanny-Boo-Boo & Nah Leaving Neither
Trump House, Trump-ashington, United Trumps of Trump-erica

Sir
Oh, I say, rather, well, everyone thought he was the brains of our operation, £350m on the side of the red bus and whatnot, break the Red Wall, Get Brexit Done, Oven-Ready Deal, but my new real boss told me it was either him or her. And, well, you know, the sprog and all. Though I probably should have kept him. Ah well, everything’s fine, doing a world class job of turning Great Britain into Little Englanders.
Boris Johnson
Dominic Cummings Tabanca
Number Ten Not Waving But Drowning Street

Sir
Not many people do but I feel deep sympathy for Donald Trump because I know how shocking it is to lose to someone you really thought you had beat coming and going. You could stop feeling sorry for the lion and feel sorry for me now.
Basdeo Panday
Formerly Lionised
Still Fighting Past the End

Sir
It’s all fake! Nobody has died! Covid doesn’t exist and we have the proof in two videos on Facebook, except you can’t see it because they censored freedom of expression. All those doctors pretending to cry for people who pretended to die is all a lie! Only sheeple can’t see the obvious truth: the Lizard Queen of England and Bill Gates have shut the world economy down to get rich and they will inject you with a microchip if you’re stupid enough to take a pretend vaccine against a pretend epidemic. I can’t believe there are so many people so stupid that they doubt something so plain in front their eyes.
Francomen Dotish
Uncovering the UFOs
Heading for the ICU

Sir
We put up with his bullshit for four years, what’s two measly months more? We have to keep the crackers and rednecks onside until we get Georgia and the Senate. On 6 January, we’ll call him a firetrucking moron and kick his fat orange ass back to Florida, too.
Republicans in Office
The Wrong Side
History

Sir
Yes, we admit it, covid-19 is getting all the headlines – but we just want to remind you that, when you’ve got it under manners with your vaccines, we’ll still be here, quietly waiting to kill you, too.
Cancer, Heart Disease & High Blood Pressure
The Original Kings of Killing
Masks Doesn’t Help

Sir
Further to the letter above, we also want to remind you that, because of the blissfully pig-ignorant antivaxxers (who we understand are really pro-deathers), we, too, are making the most unlikely comeback since Britney Spears.
Measles, Polio, Smallpox & the Whole Brat Pack Crew
Phoenix
Ignorance-Turned-to-Arrogance-Zona

Sir
Black Lives Matter, my ass!
Too Many of the 70m Trump Voters
Right Here, Right Now
Smiling In Your Face

Sir
Do religious believers REALLY think I would send a morally corrupt, self-obsessed, conscienceless, wife-cheating, child-warping, ineducable, ignorant jackass to be my servant on Earth? Oh, wait, you thought the same thing of a Jewish carpenter and an illiterate polygamous Arab merchant, didn’t you?
God
Eternally Disappointed
Out of Sorts in Heaven

Sir
Okay, okay, it was a dog whistle and what they really hear is, “Make America Segregate Again!”
Donald Trump
Still in the White House
With the Help of White Power

BC Pires is a ghostwriter

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