Subscribe to Thank God It’s Friday
Scroll down to search or read more
Conversation with an Anti-Vaxxer
BELOW IS THE unchanged text of a real life conversation I imagined with a relative I don’t have. I certify every word as 100 per cent true because I made it all up myself (although most of the answers are derived from real ones I've been given). I imagined the exchange taking place in a socially-distant line at a doubles stand.
BC: So are you worried enough about covid-19 to pay for your own vaccination?
Auntie Vax: Never! They going to have to pay ME to take their poison vaxxing! And, even then, I taking the money but not the injection! Firetruck them and they evil plans!
BC [after pause]: Sorry?
Auntie Vax: Too besides, them not even giving big shots the jook for real. You didn’t see the picture with the cap still on top the needle and Joe Biden grinning? That come like Pele heading a ball into the goal, excepting he wearing a crash helmet!
BC [after longer pause]: Sorry?
Auntie Vax: I ent firetrucking sorry at all-at all! I sorry for DEM! I go gi’ dem. But I have one word to give you: Tusking Gee Air Force! Axe them ‘bout the Tusking Gee Air Force!
BC [after even longer pause]: What the firetruck are you talking about?
Auntie V: What I talking ‘bout? What it is YOU talking ‘bout? You know anything except lies they fool you with? You did the research? You read up on the Internets? You don’t know ‘bout the Planned Demic? You didn’t read The Great Reset? You don’t know about the Storm?
BC: Ah! You’re a conspiracy theorist!
AV: Conspiracy theorist, my ask-me-no-question, I-tell-you-no-lie, you is a damn dunce! I is a conspiracy certainty-ist! This ent no theory again! This is real thing! This come like gravity for we!
BC: Who is “we”?
AV [sneering]: We is not YOU! Where we go one, we go all, and you ent coming! You is a sheeple, not a people. Axe yourself ‘bout the Tusking Gee Air Force! Ent it that was a conspiracy theory until it become a reality!
BC: It’s not the Tusking Gee Air Force, it’s the Tuskegee Airmen; and you're thinking of the Tuskegee syphilis experiments.
AV [sneering]: How you know what I thinking of? You have a 5G cellphone mast in your back pocket? You see me wearing a mask? You can’t read my mind! I lock out all you, with your microchip parties! You is a liberal moron! You is one of them intelligent dunce, who could recite philosopher name, like Suck Rattys and Pluto, but you doesn’t know nothing really important!
BC: I know you have a superficial knowledge of trifling matters you’ve given an undue importance. And I know you can’t distinguish propaganda from fact and reasoning from confirmation bias.
AV: Confirmation bias, your mother-ass! You’s a blind sheep! Baa-baa BC! You’s a agent of the American Empire! Your whole life, you working for Bill Clinton and Bill Gates!
BC: What are you smoking? And why isn’t it chilling you out? Is this what crystal meth does?
AV: I’ll crystal meth your mother! I’ll sprang you with a ice pick! I’ll crack your skull with a lead pipe, not a crack pipe!
BC: Why are you so angry?
AV: Why I so angry? Why you so blind? Do the research!
BC: What’s your conspiracy de jour? Hillary Clinton using dead babies as face wipes after she’s had sex with them but before Tom Hanks can barbecue them?
AV: You mocking things you don’t know nothing about! Axe them people in Washington DC, BC, never-see-come-for-see! When the people rise up, the Storm will cleanse everything!
BC: Wait, your anti-vaxxing conspiracy theory comes with a Q-A-Nonsense add-on? You think Donald Trump is going to bring about the Rapture from a sand trap on a Florida golf course?
AV: You have Trump Derangement Syndrome! They making you take a vaxxing for nothing! It have nothing in that vaxxing! Too besides, when they give you that vaxxing, they giving you the disease! That is the Five Year Plan Demic!
BC: Good Lord! Do you have the slightest shred of evidence to back this up?
AV [deadly serious]: The evidence of this… Is that there is NO EVIDENCE of this! If nothing was happening, they wouldn’t have to cover it up! There would be SOME evidence! But it ent have NO evidence at all! That prove it!
BC: How did you train for this argument? Did you punch your way out of a wet paper bag?
AV: It have no reason for a vaxxing! Even Germans doesn’t get German measles again, so why they telling Trini people to take jook for covid? Eat yogurt and green mango and build up your immune system! More people does die from the flu than from smallpox, tetanus and rabies combined! It have no need for a vaxxing again becaw no children getting polio again!
BC [tiredly]: Because of vaccines…
AV: Stop drinking the kool-aid! Free your mind! Stand proud like Steve Jobs!
BC: You don’t need a covid injection. You need a lethal one.
BC Pires reluctantly concedes that conspiracy theories, once swallowed whole, generate an impenetrable force field around the mind of the infected person