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TGIF columns are in order by date from the most recent.

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​Letters of Discredit

WHENEVER the world gets too ridiculous to take seriously – like when the interloper of the most powerful political office in the world gets a resounding cut-ass but claims he really won the election, if you just don’t count the 80m people who voted AGAINST him – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.


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​Love to Trump Hate

THE MOST SHOCKING thing about the US presidential election was that 70m people voted for Donald Trump. Everything else was entirely predictable, from Trump throwing another toddler tantrum because Joe Biden did indeed beat him like a drum, to the evil Moscow Mitch coldly calculating the advantages to himself and swiftly abandoning America herself: better to let the man-baby in the Oval Office whine and risk a constitutional crisis than to increase the risk of losing the Georgia senate seats next January.

There was no Blue Wave, indeed, the Democrats lost seats in the House and are hoping for an unlikely tie in the Georgia run-off next year to get to 50 seats and have Vice-President Kamala Harris as tiebreaker. But that was not shocking.
Only Martha McSally collected the cut-ass a whole heap of Senate Republicans like Lindsay the Hypocrite booked for themselves. But that wasn’t shocking. When Trump whined like a wet baby, there was no one in his family or the Republican Congressional party with the testicular fortitude to tell him he had just got the greatest cut-ass in American political history – but that wasn’t shocking.
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​Dollar-Store Hitler

This was last week’s column but I pulled it because I thought it was too bleak; I didn’t realise its real failing was that it wasn’t bleak enough! Imagine yourself, then, reading this last Friday.

SOMEONE CALLED out, to a meandering line of early voters in the American presidential election, “How long have you been waiting to vote?” A wit in the queue shouted back, “Four years!”
It’s depressing and scary how similar Trump supporters and Brexit voters are. Things they’re supposed to think about, they feel about. In the face of American hospital ICUs being overrun in their own home states, they cheer in the rallies when Trump, who will never be remembered for his intelligence, declares that, on November 4, no one will say another word about covid.
A Trump win would effectively end the American republic they’ve been trying to keep since Andrew Hamilton’s days; indeed, even as he’s going down now, he’s trying to take the whole firetrucking show with him, the rich man’s nine-year-old son who smashes his own birthday cake so his guests can’t have any, while stuffing his own gullet.

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